Had a horrible, unsatisfactory day. It’s like the troubles with Mum are there all the time, even when I’m doing something else, trying to explode to the surface. Thanks to the weather, I haven’t even been able to escape into the garden.
I just wish it would stop.
I keep thinking I’ll feel better when this happens, or that, but I’m kidding myself. I need to stop judging myself from the way other people see me. I know I’m honest and caring, and that I’ve always done the best I could, and tried to help Mum in any way I can. I know what I gave up for her and what she put me through. That should be enough, but it isn’t.
It’s strange, but in the weeks she was calling me, umpteen times a day, I felt that I was being useful, giving her somebody to talk to when she was upset. Now that’s not going to happen anymore and I feel lost. I don’t have a cause or a reason to live. I don’t love anybody and nobody loves me. I have no family apart from Mum. I haven’t made any close friends since I moved. I don’t even have any volunteering since the board games group moved to Wednesday.
I have this terrible fear that I’ll turn into my mother.
When my father went into a nursing home, she told everyone she met about, desperate to attract attention and sympathy. I fear that this problem will have the same effect on me, that I will become the woman whose only topic of conversation is the fact that her mother was bunged into a home by Social Services.
My other fear is more obvious. Dad had Alzheimer’s, now Mum’s got dementia. What are the chances of me avoiding the same fate?
Sometimes I wonder if I’m already crazy.
Linda,
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry to hear that you are so unhappy. I think you need something else in your life. Have you heard of Spice - or ever thought of joining? There is a Yorkshire branch (and btw they have a new members night this Weds in Leeds!). It's not a singles club but most members are single. Even if you didn't want to join, you might be able to offer them a writing workshop or two? (They've had those in the West Mids branch). I used to belong and it's good fun. Not all abseiling and sky-diving - they have rambles and quizzes and stuff too. Take a look: http://www.spiceyorks.com
and I hope you feel a bit better about things soon. Sundays are not good days if you're feeling down, I know. All the best, Helen x
Hi Linda
ReplyDeleteI had a look at the Spice link, it looks really good. Also, I got this from the Alzheimers Society website: "However, having a parent or other relative with later onset Alzheimer's disease only makes your own chances of developing it a little higher than if there were no cases of dementia in the family at all. (For more information, see Factsheet 405, Genetics and dementia.)"
Regards
Carol
I am so sorry to read about your problems. I really do hope everything sorts itself out very soon.
ReplyDelete