Monday, 16 May 2011
The morning after
I’m feeling a bit better today.
I spoke to the manager of the home this morning and that’s helped. They don’t want me to contact Mum for a while as they don’t know how she would react. They want to wait and see what happens when Denis visits. Apparently they’re going to put a charge on Mum’s house to recoup the fees.
The manager told e that Mum’s toe nails were three inches long and they’re going to get a chiropodist to see her. That gave me a terrible feeling of de ja vu. Before I managed to get my father moved into a nursing home, he spent three months in a mental hospital. When I took Mum to see him, he was lying on this bed with his feet sticking out and they were in a terrible state. I took a photograph and complained about it so that something would be done.
I’ve spoken to a few people today, Joan from Harrogate, a woman at Leeds Carers, another at a counselling service, and Moira from Good Neighbours. They’re all telling me the same thing, that I’ve done what I could and that if other people think badly of me, that’s their problem, and more than that, there’s nothing I can do about it. The trouble is, I’ve always judged myself through what other people think of me. I’ve always wanted to make other people happy and changing a life long habit is proving hard. I’m going to see Leeds Carers tomorrow and I might pop into the drop in centre in town to see if I can get some counselling. I could really use somebody to talk to right now.
Thanks to Helen for pointing Spice out to me. If I can find the motivation, I’m going to their prospective members meeting on Wednesday evening. Plus I’m going speed dating on Thursday. S**’s law I think they call it. The event was cancelled in March and again in April, but now when I’m really not in the mood, it’s going ahead. I’d cancel but I’m sure there must be a short story in there somewhere.
Keep busy, is the key. I know that if I stop going out, or start finding excuses, I’ll slip back down the slope into another depression. That is one thing I really really don’t want to happen.