Friday, 30 March 2012

Counting down the days

I was meant to be going to the theatre tonight but had to send John in my place as I don’t feel well enough to go out. It was either give it to him or waste the ticket.
With 18 days to go to the funeral, I think it’s going to feel like a very long time. If the weather lasts, I’ll be able to do some much–needed work in the garden, if it doesn’t, I have wallpaper removing to do in the kitchen and lots of other tidying up jobs to keep me busy. I papered the rest of the chimney breast this morning, and had two phone calls, right when I was doing the most complicated fiddly bit round the mantelpiece. I don’t think I’ve done a bad job. It helps when you use decent quality wallpaper. 
I also went to the station and bought the train tickets, then booked the hotel in Exeter for two nights,  so those jobs are out of the way.
Tomorrow is March 31st, the day that my book officially goes on sale. I had planned to mark the event in some way,  maybe with a nice meal and some bubbly, but that’s not going to happen now. I have a 99p bottle of fizzy from Lidl which will have to do instead.
I signed the new will today and asked two of my neighbours to witness it. That’s now gone off in the post which is one weight off my mind. If something happens to me, then Denis gets the house which gives him some security.
Even though all’s well as regards the financial side of things i.e. I will be able to pay the outstanding fees without too much trouble, it’s hard not to slip into regret/brood mode. So many things were handled badly or not at all by the social workers involved in Mum’s case, I’m not sure what to do about it.
I’ll have to see how I feel after the funeral.
Right now I feel very very weary, and a bit weepy. I wish I could just shake myself and get on with my life, but I can’t. My life will just have to stay on hold for a bit longer. That said, I’m managing to stay clear of the depression trap which is wonderful. I think the sunshine has helped.

1 comment:

  1. I’m so sorry to hear about your mother. Such a difficult time for you. My mother died in January. All the details that must be attended to sometimes overshadow the loss – for awhile. I no longer believe in those “four stages of grief.” We each grieve in our own way and at our own pace. Be gentle with yourself.