Saturday, 18 February 2012

Feeling the fear

Today is the 18th of February. On the 26th, John, my lodger (and once upon a time, long long ago, husband) is moving out. I can hardly explain how scary this is for me. I tried living on my own once before and sank down into such a deep depression, I really didn’t want to live. It was so bad, I suggested John move in as my lodger. I’ve been stuck with him ever since. It has NOT been a happy relationship. We married too soon after my third husband died and it was a mistake from day one. Once the initial physical attraction subsided, there was nothing left, but would I give up? Oh, no, I hung on in there like the proverbial bull dog, thinking that if I tried hard enough, if I did all I could to help him, our relationship would improve. Of course that never happened because the only person you can change is yourself. Exactly the same thing happened to me regarding my mother. I did all I could, put up with all kinds of bad treatment, and kept going back for more. Ending that cycle hurt so badly, it was like a bereavement, and now, with John, I have to go through the same agonies all over again at a time when I’m still recovering and when I don’t have a support group in place, but I HAVE to do it. I have to feel the fear and do it anyway, to quote Susan Jeffers amazing book. Once April’s here, I am sure I will feel so much better meanwhile I just have to get on with it, and stay strong.
For the past week, I’ve been running round in circles, feeling very very stressed, tired and anxious, finding simple tasks difficult, losing important pieces of paper, forgetting things etc etc. It took me until yesterday to realise that it’s all tied up with this massive change that’s about to happen in my life. So, it’s time to calm down, take a step back and be kind to myself.
I think I’ll go give Louis a big hug!

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