Wednesday, 2 November 2011

November starts

Tuesday 1st November.
I printed off the book I’ve been working on and gave it my lodger to read through and check, then went to see Julia at Relate and we talked about all kinds of things. I told her that I’d written to the care home saying I wouldn’t be in touch again. I told her how change felt scary, how I’d been lonely, miserable and afraid for so long it felt normal to me, and the thought of being happy and successful was terrifying because it was so unknown. By the time I left Relate I felt tired and rained, but I made myself go to the shoe shop. I have never had decent shoes. Now, with my wide feet, I’ve gone for larger sizes to give me the width, so finding out about this shop that did wide fittings seemed like something I had to do, for me. I found two pairs, both more expensive than any shoes I’d ever bought. One with good solid soles for walking and a plain, simple pair for evenings out. I wasn’t sure size five would fit, but with the extra width, they did.
Getting home felt like an uphill climb of several miles. My chest was hurting as though I was on the edge of a panic attack, and I felt utterly worn out. By the time I got home, all I wanted to do was collapse into a chair, so that’s exactly what I did.

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