Tuesday, 29 January 2013

Life (death) the universe and everything

I hit a low point a few days back. 
I couldn’t stop thinking about dying. In fact I’d decided if I didn’t feel better by Boxing day 2013, I would kill myself. Sounds extreme but that’s how I was feeling. Then something happened. It felt like a cog falling into place. This is going to sound really really stupid because to anyone else, looking in, it is STUPID. I suddenly realised that now I have a bit of money to my name I could actually spend some of it and have some fun for a change.  
So my new plan is to get moved, then stop doing things I don’t want to do, and start to enjoy myself. If after a few years I end up poor, and still alone, then maybe I can think about ending it all, but until then…..
Why has this been so difficult for me to grasp? I can’t explain, all I know is that it was very very difficult. I can tell you that I’ve never spent real money on myself, that I was never given nice presents  by my parents or spoilt rotten by any of my husbands/boyfriends, and that when one man DID want to buy me something expensive I wouldn’t let him do it.
I’m weird (you guessed that already I hope) in that I can see how to solve other people’s problems very easily but when it comes to sorting myself out, I’m lost. Anyway, that’s where I am at the moment. As soon as I’m moved, I’m taking a holiday. A proper holiday.
I’ve just booked a couple of days in Scarborough in April.  My friend, Shirley, fancied a trip to the theatre so I asked if I could tag along.I was hoping to get there before April but I have to wait for removal dates etc.
Yesterday I took two bookings for Louis the Labrador. One is over my birthday weekend in June which means I won’t be able to go away but having him round the house (the new house!) will be a great pressie. He’s also coming to stay in February. I thought about putting people off until after I’ve moved but as I have no idea when that’s happening, there didn’t seem any point. If need be, John’s always willing to step in.
I’ve been catching up on Writers Bureau work today. Yesterday I finished a story to send to Womans Weekly, but I’m way behind my January target of 4 new stories. I’m not going to beat myself up. It’s been a difficult month plus targets are to aim for, I don’t’ have to reach them every time.
My next task is to type up a poem or two before I lose them. I’m thinking of putting together a small collection, just for the hell of it.


  1. Hi Linda,

    So glad you are starting to feel better again and make plans for the future. A holiday might be just the thing you need.

    I wondered if you have ever considered working with a Life Coach? If you found someone that you felt a connection with, you might find that he/she could help you see new positive directions for you to take. A good friend of mine has recently started working with a Life Coach and is finding it really helpful.

    Be kind to yourself too. These things take time.


  2. Hi Linda,

    You are such an inspiration to many of us, so please don't be sad. I am always amazed at your multi-tasking! You achieve so much in such a short space of time.

    David has come up with a great suggestion! I've heard life coaches can be a tremendous help.

    Best wishes,