Wednesday, 9 January 2013

Gareth's birthday

For my entire life I’ve had the feeling that I needed to do things right. By ‘right’ I mean pretty much perfect and we all know that’s impossible.
Today, 9th January, would have been my third husband’s 62nd birthday if he hadn’t died aged 46. I always think of him on this date. He was the one who encouraged me to study  with the OU and to start a Writers Bureau course. I could have done either of those before but I needed that little bit of a push, some encouragement if you like, somebody to believe in me.
Now I need to find a way to believe in myself otherwise I’m going to keep spinning round in circles trying to figure out what the right thing to do actually is.
I was moving here, then there, then not moving anywhere at all. Now I’m waiting to hear if the people who made an offer on the house come back with one I can accept.
If they do, then I think I WILL move after all, but don’t count on it, in fact it might be an idea if somebody starts a book and takes bets because right now, I wouldn’t like to call it.
For too many years, my relationship with my ex has been very important to me. I’ve found it hard to let go. Not because I still love him (almost every day I get the urge to throttle him!) but because when you have no family, even a bad relationship can seem attractive. The problem is I don’t know how it would be if I DID let go.
Of course I might not get to decide. He’s out meeting yet another woman from In a funny kind of way I’d love it if he found somebody else and didn’t want to know me any more as then I’d have to find a way to cope on my own.
I have Leah staying with me until next Tuesday. As dogs go, she’s no trouble but she’s not a lot of fun either. She’s not into hugs and cuddles like Lois and Woody are.
I had a chat with my friend Shirley who lives in Scarborough. She probably thinks I’m crazy now as I was trying to decide whether to move or not and making her play devil’s advocate. Talking to her was such a help. It’s just a shame she lives so far away.
Now I need to change my mood. Tonight is quiz night with Spice. The subject is 2012. I’m utterly hopeless at current affairs so whoever gets me on their team is going to be unlucky.

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