Thursday, 30 August 2012

Putting on an act

I do NOT feel like going to NAWG, so I need to do something about that.
What I’ve decided is simple – I’m going to behave as though I’m happy, successful and  contented, that the house in Devon has been sold and I have thousands in the bank. If I can make thing sup for stories, I can do it in real life.
The face people present to the world isn’t always how they feel (think of Eleanor Rigby) so if you see me in Nottingham, remember this, it’s just an act. The real me is  locked away in another jar.
The worst thing for me right now is the feeling of not being in control.  Ideally I would have liked to have gone to Exeter this week but rushing back in time for the festival would NOT have been a good idea. I’ve been thinking of very little else except the trip to Exeter, trying to plan for every eventuality, which, of course, is impossible. I have to clear the house so that it’s ‘not habitable’ or Exeter City Council will charge me Council Tax which means having it cleared. Complication, John wants to stay there an extra few days so he can swan about, seeing his family, going to auctions et al so I suggest taking an inflatable bed. No, he doesn’t want to do that. He wants the house to be cleared at his convenience just before he leaves.  Well that’s not going to happen. Any furniture that IS left behind, he will have to clear himself.
I do not need a battle. I need to feel in control of as many bits of the puzzle as I can be. What I really really want right now is somebody I can lean on, who has empathy, who doesn’t argue, who can see somebody else’s point of view, who knows when I’m stressed or on edge and treats me kindly.
Sadly all I have is John.
I have just put the phone down on him. I’m seriously wondering if I would have been better off going by train. Obviously that would mean not being able to bring anything very much back with me, but that would be a small price to pay for a sense of peace.
Let’s hope the weather cheers up a bit, the first night at NAWG is a BBQ!
That’s it until I get back from Devon. Wish me luck! 

I had a comment regarding this post. All I want to say is this -only I know what it’s been like living with John. He could also say a few things about me if he wanted. 
As they say, walk a mile in somebody’s shoes before you judge why they are limping.

1 comment:

  1. I think your (ex)John sounds like someone you can lean on. You don't seem to treat him kindly but he is always there for you.

    Try and find some positive thoughts and happiness every day because this is life, not a rehearsal.