Thursday, 2 August 2012
Can't get on wih anything
OK, so this is the truth. I’m not coping very well. It’s having to wait for things to happen, hundreds of miles away, that I have no control over. I’m not WORRYING about it, there’s nothing I can do so there’s no point, it’s just that it’s in the back of my mind, all the time. I can’t settle to do anything else.
I keep wondering whether things really will click back into place once it’s all settled or whether I’ll find some other excuse not to get back to writing short stories. I think that’s what I want to do – write stories and do some teaching, but is that what I really want? I haven’t a clue. Until recently, the biggest thing in my life has been emotional pain. Right now, it’s not there, and believe me, I don’t want it back, but at the same time, in a crazy way, I miss it because without it, what else is there? Something will turn up. Give it time. Be patient. That’s what I’d say to anybody else in my position but I’m so fed up with waiting. I want to start living now, before I’m too old to enjoy it. Please, let this all sort itself out soon. Please let me hear good news from Exeter. Please let that be enough to unlock the emotional padlocks I seem to have wrapped myself up in. To quote Queen, I want to break free, and I want it now.