Saturday, 29 October 2011

Writing a letter

The virus that has laid me low is in retreat at last but the general malaise that has been hanging over me for more than a year is still very much alive and kicking.
If you have been following this blog since it started you will know that I have had long term problems with my mother and that she is now living in a home, suffering from severe dementia.

The relationship ending so suddenly ( I was not told she was being moved to a home, nor was I given the opportunity to try to look after her myself) rocked my world, far more than I had realised. Now I see that the problem has not ‘gone away’ and that I need to deal with it, once and for all. This will probably mean more therapy, and more expense but unless I give this one last try, I might as well give up. My writing has been so badly affected, I’m not going to make sales to high paying markets unless I take time to work this through. So today I wrote to the home where my mother now lives.
The following is a shortened version of that letter.

‘I was waiting to see if Mum ever asked to call me. It’s been several months now and that has not happened.

Having my mother put into a home without being consulted, and without having the chance to try and take care of her myself devastated me. I spent my whole life trying to get my mother to show me some love and never succeeded. Now I know that is never going to happen.

Whatever you may think of me is up to you. Only my mother and I can know the truth.
All I can say is this. My mother was not there for me when I was a child. As a result, I have been in and out of therapy for decades. There is no point in me trying to be there for her when it is clear she no longer needs me. It’s time I tried to take care of myself which means staying away.

That said, I am still her daughter and would very much appreciate it if you could let me know if anything happens to her.

Thank you for taking care of her so well.’

I'm going to post it in the morning.

I hope that by sending this letter I can start to move on. I will be keeping a record of my journey but as it’s going to be hard, and very personal, I will not be sharing the details on the blog. Instead I will be keeping a journal on my PC. Having written that letter has already made me feel slightly lighter.

Now to try and get some work done. As my stories aren’t working for me at the moment, I’m going to stick with the non fiction for a while so back to the book.

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