Tuesday, 18 October 2011

Treating myself (and some)

This morning I went to Relate, not about my troubled relationship with my lodger, but about my mother. It’s too complicated to put into words, but since she’s been in the home, and I’m having no contact with her, I’ve felt bereaved. I went from talking to her up to three dozen times a day, to nothing at all. She has been the most important person in my life. It has hurt me more than I can ever hope to explain that decisions about her care were taken out of my hands on the basis of lies and misunderstandings.
I need somebody to tell me that what I did was all right, that I tried my hardest to do what was best, and that she is in the best place. More than that, I need somebody to say that I’m not a terrible daughter, that even though her carer, my aunts, her solicitor and social services have found me wanting, they have been deceived.
I have to sort this out soon because my story telling ability is still being adversely affected. I can tell that by the sales I haven’t been getting from my main market, Fiction Feast/TAB. Some people write best when they are under stress or sad. I write best when I’m feeling O.K. Right now, I don’t feel that way, and my stories are coming out flat.
The woman at Relate thinks they might be able to help me, so I’ve booked another session next week.
Afterwards, I felt a bit fraught, so I decided to treat myself. I bought a couple of dresses from TK Max then spotted a music shop. I intended just to have a browse and came out with a Yamaha digital keyboard. Losing my piano was one of my biggest mistakes and I’ve wanted a replacement for a long time now. I had a grotty little keyboard which I found at a boot sale but it didn’t ‘feel’ like a piano and I never played it. I was never much good but bashing out a tune helped me relax. I hope it will again. I bought some really easy music too so that I should be able to play it. It’s been a long long time. …..
Tonight, it’s back into town for a meal with Spice. I wasn’t sure I’d be going anywhere today I was awake at 2, and again at 4 with a terrible sore throat, but it feels a bit better now.
Wish me luck!


  1. I hope you are feeling a bit better Linda and that you had a nice night at Spice. Let us know how it went! Helen

  2. You did and have done, the right thing. Good news about the keyboard music can be a great friend. Hope the throat gets better soon, x

  3. The relationship beteen mothers and daughters is one of the most complex and no-body gets it completely right. You have done nothing wrong. Retail therapy is an excellent pick-me-up, so go girl!