Monday, 14 May 2012
Struggling again today.
Each time the phone rings or the post comes, I tighten up. I’ve asked Mum’s doctor for information about her health so that I can decide whether there are any grounds to reduce the care home fees. Her doctor was involved last year when I had al the trouble with the EPA and Social Services and I guess I’m scared what I might find out. I’ve also written to Devon County Council and Mum’s solicitor.
I’ve had a morbid fear of confrontation all my life. As a result, loads of people have used me as doormat and I’ve come to expect that kind of treatment. It’s very very hard for me to stand up for myself but oh so easy to take the blame and feel the guilt, even when I know I’ve done nothing wrong.
My emotions are so near the surface at the moment that anything can have me in floods of tears – a kind word, a daft film, seeing other people happy – they can all set me off. What I want right now, more than anything, is to be part of a family, to have somebody to love who loves me back. Whether that will stay a dream forever, I don’t know, but (here comes the cliché) while there’s life, there’s hope.
On Wednesday I’m giving a 40 minute talk at the West Yorkshire Playhouse as a lunch time special. Right now, I have no idea what I’m going to talk about, but something will occur to me I’m sure. Give me an audience, it doesn’t matter how small, and I can forget I’m me and become somebody else entirely. How I’d love to be able to do that when there’s nobody else around.