Tuesday, 10 September 2013
back into therapy
This morning, I went to see a new therapist. I’m still feeling very low. The worst thing is that when I’m feeling less than six out of ten, my fiction writing suffers. I lose my mojo and everything comes out flat. I can still write non fiction and downbeat stories but womag stuff I find very difficult.
I know what’s wrong with me. I know what I need to do, but I can’t seem to actually do it. All the things that give me pleasure (singing, playing music, writing fun upbeat stories, painting) I find hard to do or I don’t do them at all. And as for actually booking a proper holiday, that’s a no no. I had my tarot read at Swanwick and the lady said I needed to spend the time up to Christmas sorting things out. Healing. Learning from life’s lessons. So that’s what I’m going to do. I might squeeze in a weekend in Scarborough as that place is great for my short story writing, other than that, I’ve put all thoughts of going on holiday on hold.
As well as starting therapy (again), I’m also going to see a homeopath on Monday. I first went to one decades ago (he was an NHS doctor who also did homeopathy) and it was good for me, so it’s try to give it another go.
I’m tired of being on the verge of tears all the time. I’m tired of staying up late and stuffing my face with ice cream and cheese and pickled onions because I’m bored and lonely. Tings need to change and if that’s going to happen, I have to MAKE it happen.
Tomorrow I’m going back to Heydays at the West Yorkshire playhouse. I haven’t been for a year which is crazy as I used to enjoy it. I’ll probably go to creative writing, then lunch, then singing. Tomorrow night is a quiz at Spice. Again, I’ve not been to many events with them recently so it’s time to have another go.
I have put several ,otivaitonal print outs on the wall so that I can see them when I’m working. I’d like to share one. It says this
‘If you do not ago after what you want, you’ll never have it.
If you do not ask, the answer will always be no.
If you do not step forward you will always be in the same place. ‘
It’s time I took some more steps. Here’s a poem I wrote recently on that subject.
I have no idea what’s on the other side.
I know exactly what’s behind me -
pain, grief, anger, self-loathing and fear.
My old life lies rotting, putrid and dull,
its stench clogs my pores, saturates my soul,
Take a step forward.
Just one tiny step,
Away from the darkness.
Just one tiny step.
Even a child could do that.
Just one tiny step.
I’m stuck on a bridge between two halves of my life.
I do NOT want to go back.
I want to cross.
All I have to do is move my feet.
That’s all I have to do.