Thursday, 6 June 2013
Get a grip!
The sun is shining, I have money in the bank, my favourite dog o staying for a few days, and guess, what? I feel deeply darkly miserable.
I CAN shift my mood by cuddling the dog, or working in the garden, but the underlying bleakness still lingers. It’s starting to get to me. I simply don’t know what I want, or where to go to look for it. I know what I’d LIKE to be able to do – loosen the chains and do what I like for as long as I want – but something keeps stopping me. This is going to sound daft, because it is, but I keep thinking ‘what if I die tonight? How will it look that all I’ve been doing lately is having fun?
I’ve been told, over and over, that as soon as I start to enjoy life, which for me means writing what I feel like writing, I will probably start earning money anyway. Although I do believe that’s true, I still can’t slip that leash. And right now, it feels like it’s starting to choke me. I didn’t even go to crosswords today. People sometimes say call round, pop in for a cuppa, but they don’t know that for me, that’s like climbing a mountain. I just can’t do it.
I have to get a grip. Get the decorating done, whether I’m in the mood or not. The garage at the flat is being repaired as I type so that means me ex’s stuff will soon be leaving my garage and I will have all that wonderful space. What I need right now is somebody to tell me what to do, somebody to say for goodness sake woman, start enjoying life, and as there’s nobody ‘real’ to do that for me, I have no choice but to say that to myself.
I just hope I’m listening.