Saturday, 29 June 2013
Another year older
Another day older and deeper in debt, or so the song goes. In my case, I don’t have debts but I’m definitely older.
Yesterday (my birthday) was good in parts. It was wonderful, truly wonderful, to get cards from people I’ve never met. If you took the time and trouble, thank you from the bottom of my heart. I’ve reached a really low point in my life. All I’ve been able to think about is that I’m on my own. When my mother died, that was it, the end of my family and all I could see was an empty aching void. Even though my relationship with her was poisonous and painful; beyond words it was there. It gave me something, however unhappy, to focus on. Now that’s gone and I guess you could say I’m looking for something to fill the void.
There are so many things I could do – volunteer for example, or get dogs of my own, but I’m scared of making the wrong choice. Most of all, I know, deep down, that I still need to repair myself. I need to learn to like me, to be able to spend money on things that aren’t really necessary (like a decent holiday) so that I can recharge my severely depleted batteries. So I’m going back to Scarborough on Friday. It worked last October, it can work again. Last time I went there, I spent far too much time helping other people with their lives. This time, I have to focus on me, however selfish that might sound.
On the Saturday, I’m finally getting to go The Lanterna restaurant. I’d wanted to go there last time but it was closed for refurbishment. There will be 9 of us, me and my friend Val’s family and friends. I’m looking forward to that, and getting some writing done.
I’m not going back to blogging every day. I might do a weekly catch up instead, at least until I have something positive to say.
Now I’d better get downstairs. The builders are due back to finish my kitchen. It’s been a right old saga – they started five days late which scuppered all my plans. Louis, the Labrador, is here, and I really didn’t want a dog staying when work was being done, but I couldn’t avoid it. Luckily the big stuff is done, but they are really bad about closing gates etc, so I have to keep watch. I don’t want to lose Louis.
Thanks again everyone for reading this and if you sent birthday greetings, an even bigger thank you. I’m going to keep the cards and messages and look at them when I feel down. Hopefully they will remind me that despite how I feel right now, I’m NOT alone.