Phone call from Exeter

Since finding out that Mum had died, I haven’t know what to do or think. I’ve felt flat, as though somebody had driven several steamrollers over me.

I spent ages thinking about whether to go to the funeral or not. In the end I decided the answer was no. I simply couldn’t face going all that way and facing a lot of bad feeling. When Mum’s solicitor phoned on Friday, I asked him to let Denis (Mums’ carer, who lives in her house) know that I wanted him not to worry about the future, that he could stay in the house and so on. The solicitor must have conveyed my message rather well as Denis has just called. 

For the first time since August 2010, we had a proper conversation. He told me about Mum’s death, and how her GP, the same one who told my husband who died at 46 from a heart attack that his chest pains were indigestion, had visited her at the home and said she was fine. A different GP was called out the next day, and insisted she went into hospital. Why I wasn’t informed she was ill, I can only guess but thinking about that won't change anything. Whatever Denis has done, said or thought of me in the past is irrelevant. It’s now that’s important and if he’s willing to co–operate with me, that would be amazing.

He’s talking to the funeral directors tomorrow. Once he’s done that, I’ll give him a call and ask him if it would be OK if I could stay overnight at the house, then I would be able to go to the funeral. If I write every step of thier feeding plan and medication down on paper, and do a test run, John can take care of the dogs for a couple of days.

So that’s where I am. Flat but feeling much more hopeful now I’ve spoken to Denis. I’m not up to writing (again), so I’m going to do some decorating and gardening to keep me busy.

To everyone who’s commented, called or emailed, a great big huge thank you. I feel so alone right now. Fortunately, I can call on John who’s wiling to spend as much time with me as I want (right now ANYONE is a lot better than no–one) and with his help and yours, I WILL get through this.

I really can’t explain how much better I feel now, knowing that Denis is actually willing to talk to me. It’s like a miracle and I’m so grateful for it.