Gareth's birthday

For my entire life I’ve had the feeling that I needed to do things right. By ‘right’ I mean pretty much perfect and we all know that’s impossible.

Today, 9^th January, would have been my third husband’s 62^nd birthday if he hadn’t died aged 46. I always think of him on this date. He was the one who encouraged me to study  with the OU and to start a Writers Bureau course. I could have done either of those before but I needed that little bit of a push, some encouragement if you like, somebody to believe in me.

Now I need to find a way to believe in myself otherwise I’m going to keep spinning round in circles trying to figure out what the right thing to do actually is.

I was moving here, then there, then not moving anywhere at all. Now I’m waiting to hear if the people who made an offer on the house come back with one I can accept.

If they do, then I think I WILL move after all, but don’t count on it, in fact it might be an idea if somebody starts a book and takes bets because right now, I wouldn’t like to call it.

For too many years, my relationship with my ex has been very important to me. I’ve found it hard to let go. Not because I still love him (almost every day I get the urge to throttle him!) but because when you have no family, even a bad relationship can seem attractive. The problem is I don’t know how it would be if I DID let go.

Of course I might not get to decide. He’s out meeting yet another woman from match.com. In a funny kind of way I’d love it if he found somebody else and didn’t want to know me any more as then I’d have to find a way to cope on my own.

I have Leah staying with me until next Tuesday. As dogs go, she’s no trouble but she’s not a lot of fun either. She’s not into hugs and cuddles like Lois and Woody are.

I had a chat with my friend Shirley who lives in Scarborough. She probably thinks I’m crazy now as I was trying to decide whether to move or not and making her play devil’s advocate. Talking to her was such a help. It’s just a shame she lives so far away.

Now I need to change my mood. Tonight is quiz night with Spice. The subject is 2012. I’m utterly hopeless at current affairs so whoever gets me on their team is going to be unlucky.

First sale of 2013

I’ve decided to go to Leeds Writers Circle tonight as it’s the first meeting of 2013 (Carriageworks, Millennium Square, 7.30)

 I’ll have to leave at half eight as I don’t want to leave Leah for too long. I just took Leah for the world’s shortest walk. She got to the end of the drive and that was as far as she would go. She is eleven so I can’t really blame her for wanting to take it easy.

I put on 3lbs over Xmas, and have lost it already This regime of mini fasts really works. At least it does for me. Whenever I want to lose 1lb I spend a day limiting my intake to 500 calories, and abracadabra, the pound disappears.

I sent my January sub to My Weekly today plus one to The Weekly News (they’re taking forever to turn subs round at the moment)  and rewrote another story which I’m sending back to Fiction Feast.

I also sold my first story of 2013 – to Ireland’s Own. More to follow soon, I hope.

Leah the Samoyed is here

I finished work on a rewrite of a story which I thought I might send to Womans Weekly but now it’s been changed and lost 600 words, I’m going to try sending it back to Fiction Feast. Apart from doing that, I caught up on a few odd jobs today. An ex–pupil who wanted feedback, and a current pupil who had sent me three stories to look at. I also write a short piece about ideas to go in The New Writer’s email monthly news message.
This afternoon, John came round as I needed to go and collect Leah the Samoyed whose owners are off to Egypt ( I don't drive which is one reason I find my ex so useful!). She’s a big ball of white fluffiness with a huge appetite for treats. On the way, we stopped to get more net curtains for bedroom 3 and my office. He’ll probably stay here tonight then he can take down my blinds and put up the nets in my office tomorrow morning.
His diary is getting quite full as he’s about to meet not one but two ladies he found on match.com. Hopefully he’ll still have time to help me walking Leah, and then Pip who arrives a few days after Leah goes.
Leah settled in very quickly. Last time it took 36 hours before she was barking at me – her way of asking for treats. Today it took less than 15 minutes.
The next job on my list is to find a story I can send to My Weekly as my once a month (January) submission.
It’s very strange but I’ve been changing little things round the house, nothing major or expensive, but it’s already made a big difference to the way I feel about the place. I’ve been here for three years and have only just removed the remains of the football stickers that were on the door to the small bedroom. I’m finally starting to feel as if this is MY house.

Today was OK.

I had a go at writing while still in bed, but it didn’t quite work out as the story came out a bit gloomy. That said, once it’s been left for a few days, something may come of it.

After that, I went to the shops to order some new curtains for my bedroom and a new bin, plus some new net curtains which I put up this afternoon. Now I’ve seen them up, I plan to buy some more so that I can do all the front windows the same.

I’ve been living with (very unsatisfactory, badly fitted) blinds in my office and will be glad when they’ve gone. Next I tacked some email work for The Writers Bureau, looked at some stories sent to me by one of my writing pupils and a rewrite of another story sent by somebody who entered the NAWG competition.

It was then time to take down the Christmas decs, and………

Move my desk AGAIN.

Move the furniture in the conservatory AGAIN.

I also had an idea for another in my series of writing guides which I’m pencilling down notes for as and when they occur to me and had time for a chat with Valerie, one of my two Scarborough friends.

Tomorrow Leah the Samoyed comes to stay. I’m not looking forward to it as she likes to bark and I can’t always tell what she wants. Also she likes to get up VERY early and in January, that’s not a  lot of fun (actually it’s not a lot of fun any time of the year ). Looking on the bright side though, if I’m up early, I can get more work done.

On a positive note I planted some sweet pea seeds today. It’s the first time I’ve taken an interest in the garden for months so that’s a good sign (I hope).

Normal service will be resumed shortly

Today I’m enjoying an unexpected day with Woody and Snoopy while their owners spend the day in Scarborough. I’d rather cuddle Woody than work especially as I have no idea when they will be coming back.

What to do next

My decision not to move (at least not for a while) seems pretty much definite now. I usually know when I’ve made a decision I’m happy with as it FEELS right, so that’s one problem dealt with. The next thing I have to tackle is what to do next.

I have a few choices. I could cut back on work and only do enough to cover expenses. I could write a novel, or rather finish the one I started yonks ago, I could just write shrot stories and do a bit of teaching.

The point is I’m not sure what will make me happy.

If I could choose between an amazing book deal, fame and fortune, the works, or having a family and being loved, I know which one I’d take.

Up until now, I’ve always wanted to be the most amazing writer, with millions in the bank, and worldwide fame, but the main reason I wanted that was so that my mother would finally have to say ‘wow, well done.’

When I was writing about fish for magazines al over the world she took no interest. When I was writing stories for popular magazines, ditto. I often called and asked her to have a look at Womans Weekly, My Weekly or whatever, next time she was in Sainsburys. She never did. She’d always say she couldn’t find the magazine but I knew the truth, she hadn’t bothered to look. It was the same when I graduated from the Open University. Most mothers with only one child would order a large copy of the graduation photo. Mine ordered a 10x8 print. She didn’t even get it framed.

Whatever I did it was never enough to get her praise.  She never said she loved me, not once. I spent my hole life trying to get her approval or encouragement, or best of all some sign of affection like a thoughtful gift, or a hug. Now she’s no longer here, I still feel that same sense of inadequacy. I still feel that what ever I do will never be good enough.

Now I’m trying hard to get things straight in my head. Somehow I need to figure out where I want to go, then maybe I can plan a route to get there.

I know what I DO want and that’s to feel content most of the time and happy at least some of the time. Riches, fame success would be nice but without happiness and contentment, they are worthless.

Sorry about that, but sometimes I need to vent steam!

Today, John came round to put up a curtain pole in my bedroom for me. Before he arrived, I worked on a story for a competition. I posted it on my way to crossword classs. 

Working on a competition story  made me start thinking about what the differences are between stories for magazines and those for competitions. It’s quite a big question as much depends on the competition (the higher the prize money, the more literary the story that will win it is a very vague rule of thumb). One way I look at it goes like this – a story for a woman’s magazine is written to please thousands of readers, a story for a competition needs to catch the eye of the judge.

Tomorrow Snoopy and Woody are coming just for the day which is great but annoying as I’m having lunch out with a friend so that means I have to ask John to come round, again. My feelings for John are very mixed. At times I want to kill him and if I never saw him again, I’d be pleased but there are times when I miss having him here.

I know I should break the tie between us but then I would be completely alone. I know I have friends ‘out there’ but it’s not the same as having somebody physically here.

I don’t enjoy programmes like University Challenge when I’m on my own. It’s much more fun with somebody else here.

This is my second fast day (500 calories max) in a row so I’m feeling famished. I need to have something to eat soon so it might as well be now.

If anyone has any thoughts on what the difference is, do get in touch. My email address is akacatherinehoward@yahoo.co.uk

Happy New Year

Welcome 2013, I’m so glad you’re here.

I had a great day yesterday. After going to bed before midnight, I got up late on New Years Day and decided to make it another ‘Boxing Day’. I ended up doing a virtual move by which I mean making changes to all the bedrooms  so that it was like  I had actually moved.

I spent some time planning what I need to do to the house to bring it back up to scratch then got in with the ‘move.’

Bedroom 3 is now my art/music room , Bed 2 is the guest room, and Bed 1 now has a large cupboard instead of a bedside cabinet so that my books don’t keep falling off! As always, I ended up moving some pieces of furniture several times before deciding where they were going to finish up. I now have to put things away but that’s not urgent.

After I’d worn myself out, it was time for a soak, then a celebratory meal of turkey. I have a wonderful butcher near me who does the most amazing fresh turkey drumsticks with enough meat on them for three portions (greedy portions at that) which they sell for the wonderful price of £1.50.

Then some wine and some Christmas pudding, followed by my Wasgij and Miranda on TV.

Probably because I was too tired, I didn’t sleep well so at 4a.m. I carried on reading The Life of Pi. That sent me back to sleep and I finished the book when I woke this morning. I know everybody loves this book but it didn’t do a thing for me, possibly because I’m not keen on graphic scenes of animal butchery. I could say more but wouldn’t want to put anyone off reading it. I think it’s very much a matter of taste. I didn’t like it. That’s all I have to say.

Now it’s off to the shops to get paint and a curtain pole so I can start to implement those plans for doing up the house.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!